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Where are we? E Bay!"...It was horrible - I was abducted by aliens and underwent some kind of physical examination. They then drip fed me with copious amouts of alcohol..."
Nora says I'm supposed to lay this down for a while - But I think I'll drink it... then I'll lay down for a whileUnfortunately the passer-by he'd asked to take his photo outside Arsenal's stadium, was a Spurs fan
Bella only drank one unit of alcohol a weekJEFF, I CAN'T AFFORD A NEW ARSENAL KIT EVERY YEAR.   YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO SUPPORT NEWCASTLE LIKE THE REST OF US.
WITH FRIENDS ON HER BIRTHDAY, HELEN FELT A GREAT SENSE OF INNER PEACE AND CALM... YEP SHE WAS SHITFACED AGAIN!Don't try and deny peeing in the linen basket last night - the lid's up
You've been staring at that carton of orange for half an hour.  What's the problem?  Ssssh, it say concentrate.The Dangers of the Internet .... Colin only logged on to check his email.  4 hours later, he had bought a C-reg Vauxhall Astra and married a 17-year-old Texan.
Bella's interest in the offside rule increased when Derek started using chocolate truffles as propsIt may not be a pretty picture but you're old enough to face the truth...
THEY INSTINCTIVELY KNEW THE SAFEST PLACE WHEN BERNARD WAS ABOUT TO PLAY HIS SHOTHis philosophy was 'what's the point of having an expensive car if nobody knows who's driving it'
What women think about in the bathDot only went to the shops for a bar of chocolate.  But on the way home she saw a dress that would go with it...
Darling, I'm worried about your carbon footprint. You left the telly on standby.Emma found that if she wore something slinky, she could really make an entrance
Over the years, Vera had found how to get the best from her bathroom scales.YES, HELEN CERTAINLY WAS ALL WOMAN - STRONG YET STILL SENSITIVE, ASSERTIVE YET STILL CARING, POWERFUL YET STILL FRAGILE ... ... PISSED YET STILL STANDING!
BETTY KNEW HOW TO AWAKEN REG'S AMOROUS SIDE.Derek's laptop gave new meaning to the term logging on
Bella found if administered correctly, evening primrose oil had a remarkably calming effectGuess who? - I don't care!
An administrative error at the British Open paired Colin Montgomerie with 'Tigger'KATE HAD WHAT IT TOOK TO COPE WITH BEING A YEAR OLDER ... 6 LARGE GINS, 3 PINTS OF CIDER AND A BRANDY CHASER!
HELEN'S GIN AND TONIC DIET WAS SORT OF GOING WELL...  SHE'D LOST TWO DAYS.Suddenly Bella's worries about the ozone layer, plight of the blue whale and world peace paled into insignificance
The toughest part of Bella's exercise class was the bit where she had to hold a fart inMany years ago, the youth fairy flew into your bedroom, landed on your pillow and, waving her wand, said "This child shall forever be young!".... but you rolled over and squashed her and now look what's happened!
Its fantastic I can find out the EXACT weather outside this EXACT house at this EXACT moment - all on the internet!Suzy had 'come to bed' eyes, Jack had a T-shirt.
No Ken.  Watching football and drinking beer at the same time is not multi-tasking!Ever the optimist, Norman handed the barber his Tom Cruise cutting.
As the fake tan developed, Lizzie made the mistake of going to the loo.Should I tell Marge to trim her bush. Should I tell Ted his dick's in my slipper
This obsession with eBAY is getting ridiculous.. How can you say that?... I've just got £1500 for your mother!'DON'T WORRY' CORRUTHERS CRIED CHEERILY, ' ACCORDING TO MY GPS TRACKING SYSTEM WERE STILL IN KENSINGTON'
Bella was not impressed when the dog logged on to her computerThe Newcastle police suspected the culprits were Sunderland fans
'I shop and I shop!' wailed Dot.  'And I still have nothing to wear!'Derek realised he was shitfaced when he slipped in the pub loo.
Mr Purkiss had found Vera's secret chocolate store, and now he must die.Wishing you a Happy Birthday Harold
AS DAVE FINISHED OFF THE LAST SHEET OF TOILET PAPER, THERE SEEMED ONLY ONE ALTERNATIVE...It was while trying to get undressed that Derek realised he was rat arsed.
Allow yourself at least... ONE SIN A DAYSuzy could have sworn they felt comfy in the shop
Life...A little bird told me that John is a year older...  But don't worry he won't tell anyone else
Sarah. I think the dog wants to go out.Jack looked forward to his mid-life crisis
SEBASTIAN GOT HIS BALL STUCK IN A BIT OF ROUGH.Thats it - just sit and look blankly at them, it drives them crazy!
Blah blah Shoes blah blah di blah Lets do lunch Darling, I need a new outfit blah blah di blah blah bla bla blah blah di blah blah               

Working from home helped Bella focus on thDuring the flight to Málaga, Dot convinced herself she had left the iron on.
Oi FATTY 

Oi BALDY 

Oi BIG NOSE 

SEBASTIAN FINDS SOME ANNOYING HARES IN THE SHOWER.You know wot Shaz, when I find it I'm gonna get it pierced
DAD WAS A KEEN YACHTSMAN AND KNEW ALL THE APPROPRIATE NAUTICAL TERMS

OH SHIT!Fork! Dad got muddled between warning the golfers ahead and swearing at his shot
Dear Mr. Jones

After reviewing your records, we find that you owe us nothing and that due to an error, we will be returning everything you've paid over the last 10 years, plus intLONG AFTER THE CHILDREN HAD LEFT HOME, RUTH RETAINED A MOTHER'S UNCANNY SIXTH SENSE

DON'T ANSWER IT ... ONE OF THEM WANTS MONEY!
Suzy was having the girls around for coffeeAs you slide down the bannister of life, may the splinters never point in the wrong direction
Wendy was ready for her 'coffee morning' with the girls.Suzy wouldn't have minded but Jack had only made a cheese sandwich
Jack felt old.  Six birthday cards and no moneyHELEN NEVER TOOK ANY CHANCES WHEN DAVE HAD BEEN OUT WITH THE LADS.
AN AMUSING LITTLE WINE MR. JEFFRIES, TWO GLASSES AND YOU'LL BE ABSOLUTELY SHITFACED.IT'S NO USE WHISTLING GEORGE - I CAN SEE THE BUBBLES COMING OUT OF YOUR BOTTOM.
I've decided that instead of a tiny waist... I'd much prefer a winey taste!Dave, if you want your computer to work properly you've got to punch in the right information - try again... Work you heap of scrap, work!
"ITHINK ROVER WANTS TO GO FOR A WALK"Derek challenged the theory that men can't carry out more than one function at a time
I SAID 'HOLD MY CALLS' 
MRS PEMBERTON!"TONIGHT WE RECALL THE FIRST MOON LANDING, THE FALL OF THE BERLIN WALL AND THE BIRTH OF TOM BAKER"
Colour coordination is important on a Birthday.. and red and white make the perfect combinationIT WASN'T THE FIRST TIME SHE WAS LEFT WRINGING WET WITH SEAMEN.
[Banner: SLIM TOGETHER SUCCEED TOGETHER]     

The meeting broke up in disarray when ½ lb of vanilla fudge fell out of Diedre's duffle coat pocket.Bella had little interest in small talk

I WANT A MAN WITH A BIG WILLY
"Where's the instructions?" thought Jason.Well tell me, Randy, has someone eaten all the refrigerator magnets again
I'm going to have an accident if he doesn't finish polishing that car soonStop showing off Ned... I know its your walking stick.
...And then i think he said "I'm sorry Miss Smith, but we haven't got them in your size"The space shuttle takes off on a mission to find out if carbon emissions are causing global warming.
Deidre's diet was going surprisingly well.YOU STILL HAVE A SIX-PACK MR JONES - ITS JUST IN A QUILTED BAG WITH THE REST OF THE WEEKS SHOPPING
"Norman Spokes.  Age 40. Must try harder"...  If God gave end-of-term reports.EMILY COULDN'T DECIDE WHAT TO WEAR.  SHOULD SHE BE 'COOL AND SOPHISTICATED' OR 'FOR GOD'S SAKE GIVE ME ONE I'M GAGGING FOR IT.'
Derek had ordered something large and full of vodka.No, that's just a rumour put about by pit bull terriers. Being a poodle doesn't mean you're gay
I'VE TOLD YOU A HUNDRED TIMES JULIAN - DON'T SCRATCH YOUR ARSE WITH BOTH HANDSThe label on Gavin's underpants said "handwash only".  'Who are they trying to kid?' growled Dot.
Born to be wild!It was nice of Jill to help with the decorating, thought Jim... but even nicer if she'd wait till he'd finished building the bloody thing.
A guide to cat's emotions... HAPPY, THOUGHTFUL, MOODY, SUSPICIOUS...I thought you said they had a Celebrity Chef?
Bella was having one of those 'Perhaps she's best left alone' moments... (Computer screen reads: FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK etc)Joe made sure that was the last time the shelf would fall down.

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