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A while back men were given the choice: eveolve or watch football. the rest is historyIf at first you don't succeed, give up and go to the pub.
when you're older you are going to dance the way your parents dance. Be afraid. Be very afraid.Never let a little bad weather, terrible traffic, lack of money or insufficient time get in the way of a good shopping trip.
Happy Birthday Mum, you are the best. totally, utterly and completelyHappy Birthday you fantastic old bastard
My farts hospitalise small childrenDevelopment path of the human (male): crawl, walk, talk, drink, drink, drink, drink, crawl...
Life is short... eat as much as you canHappy Birthday Dad, you're my superhero
It's the little voices that tell me to go shoppingDeep deep inside the brain of every woman is a small bungalow in which lives a little lady who is totally obsessed with shoes
Happy Birthday Sister, you are the greatest (i.e. cutest, lovablest, charmingest, sweetest, lovliest, wonderfulest, delightfulest and adorablest)Is there more to life than watching sport on TV? YES! watching sport on tv with a beer.
Hello Joseph, this is your computer speaking. You have no idea what you're doing do you?Life is really just a journey between offices isn't it?
Friendship is the oil that lubricates the engine of life. Red wine helps too...Happy Birthday to an absolooot nuttah
may your home always be filled with joy and love and may your cupboard always be too small to hold all your shoesWine is made to be drunk. i am drunk. therefore am i wine?
All you need is love and gin and tonichope your birthday is effing brilliant
There's no place like home. Except maybe the pub. That is kind of like home to me.Greta, you are the rolls royce of humans.... ie. you are damn expensive, high maintenance, but bloody well worth it.
Jessica, an empty glass means a full lifeBalding is not funny Arnold (it's hilarious)
Beware of the entrances to shopping malls...(one minute you'll be innocently walking by and the next you are sucked in and have to do some shopping)Nothing like a cold beer on a hot day, or on a warm day, or a cool day or even on a cold day
Chocolate is the answer and I don't give a damn about the questionBefore golf was invented what did men do again?
Right in the core of a man's brain is another brain, inside that is a smaller one, and then another and another. the last one is so small it can only be seen under a microscope. and inside that one is a tiny, tiny willy.Laura, the more i drink the more i repeat myself.... I said, the more I drink the more I repeat myself, seriously, the more I drink the more I repeat myself.

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