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Mary didn't scrub up too bad for an old potatoMike's new Anti-theft Device
Sarah would never call the park keeper a "miserable old git" again.By the way he's going on you'd think he'd run the bloody race.
'Trust me, it cost a fraction of the price and it's just as cool as one of those iPOD thingsJohnny thought it had been worth the wait for the donkey to pee.
Let the groove move you this birthday!It was a hard day at the office, the computers went down and Mavis had to learn how to think again.
Sandy's botox BBQ was the social event of the year!You?...eat a whole one?...on your birthday?
John birthdays are like hot baths... ....too many will give you wrinklesThe years have been kind to you Max..... its the weekends that have done the damage!
Judy liked to savour that unmistakably salty tang ....Godfrey played golf to get in touch with his emotions
Happy Birthday MUM - time to let your hair downThe Conference Pears made many fruitless attempts to send and recieve e-mails on their new Blackberries...
"Well it's a par four with a long, undulating fairway and a wicked dogleg to the right, quite a number of bunkers and a fair amount of rough in front of the trees.  There's also a strong breeze blowing from left to right, therefore not much room for error.  Mmm, what do you think Ian?"... "******** welly it"After the police sent him a photo of his car speeding, Ron sent them a photo of a cheque.
WHOA!!! Michael... stop with the shaking, that's not the champagne bottleDave wondered if the matching socks were a mistake
Come potty time, Ian learnt not to eat lego the hard way.Boogie on down this birthday!
For a moment Brimley were in with a chance, then the game startedOH, NO! SHE FORGOT THE ROLLING PAPERS!!!
Happy Birthday... time for jelly and ice-cream  ... or maybe just jellywhoosh! ... there goes another year
Tibbles took back his boastful assessment....   ....that walking around the edge of the bath was a piece of piss.Geraldine tried hard to imagine living with imperfection ... but she couldn't
If Adam wasn't tempted by the apple, thought Eve, she could always offer him a nice pearHappy Birthday... from one silly sausage to another
The onion got so drunk that he chucked up his ring...Lucy was having real fun because Frank had allowed her to operate the gearstick for the last ten minutes... He was having even more fun, knowing that the car was an automatic!
Carefree and confident, Elaine was the perfect illustration of what a go ahead, modern girl could achieve... on two bottles of vodkasThe lads had put in several pleas to the ref but he simply said they should have gone before the match started!
It was the perfect bar; not only did it get her drunk but it lifted her off the floor and drove her homeSam soon realised life was one long learning curve... today he'd learnt not to fart under the bed covers without planning a way out first.
Janice... You rock!My problem is that I don't just drink to excess... I drink to anything
Happy Birthday to a fella who doesn't have to try to hard...  Multi tasking was never your strong point!Another year older and still feeling like a 20 year old
Tommy had a feeling...   ...that his brother should cut down on the frosties.The boys always knew they were in for a treat when Suzy got out her bongos.
Marie-Louise loved the feel of her new jacket, but Fifi felt hers was a bit tight under the arms.Kevin had spent the entire day downloading corn on the internet
For John the Golfer on his birthday... See? Being in the sand and water isn't always such a bad thing!Once Maureen discovered the vibrate feature on her mobile phone, she started to text herself a hundred times a day!
Great tackle - thanks, but it'll never be as big as yoursThey knew exactly what to wear to keep the blokes away on a girl's night out.
Simon was distraught... it was the third time that day that someone had said he looked like his dad!Dad, you are my super hero
Middle age its when your age starts to show around happy birthdayBad hair dayJoshua?... no way!  just a bad mirror day
John to man who likes the odd tipple .... or two.... or three!For a dog lover... Sure I took on my owners comments about not sitting on the couch, but then i thought, hey, whats a few skidmarks between friends
All her friends took HRT ... but Nancy preferred Earl Grey.The apple was really cool with his new pPod
John, what do you do if a bird craps on your car?All Gladys wanted to hear was Jim say "I love you". All Jim wanted to hear was his balls slapping against her arse.
Bloody hell Vinnie, Lineker keeps nicking my crisps and you keep pinching my nuts!'Brandy make me randy' said Mandy, 'Whisky makes me frisky' said Julie, 'Vodka makes me throw up and go home with an ugly bloke' laughed Lucy.
Adam had a lot tantrums.  He was practising to be a man.Tina, unleash the diva in you...
For a moment St Austin were in with a chance, then the game startedHappy Birthday... you handsome stud
John you're not old! hmm.... Let me try that again and see if I can keep a straight face.....Mary had a little lamb...   ...She tied it to a pylon, 10,000 volts shot up its bum and turned the wool to nylon.
Frank and Alan had the peculiar charm of two men travelling together...The Pretentious Pois were not surprised when the pineaplle slice suspended in formaldehyde won the coveted Turnip Prize
Men's brains are in two parts, left and right.  The left part has nothing right in it, and the right part has nothing left in it.Take that you convicts!!!
After a weekend of team building, the accounts department had bondedJimmy couldn't understand it.  Mum would go on at him to eat his greens and then moan at him for picking his nose.
Wishing you a Happy BirthdayTimmy, you are only young once... but you can stay immature indefinitely
Remember on your birthday it's important to share everything in life... except chocolate of course!John congratulations you have gone from being a reckless youth.... to a youthless wreck!
Charlie was doing well in the skateboarding championship, and he would have won...   ...if he hadn't shoved a banana up his arse and thrown shit at the judges!Adam's (unfulfilled) ambition was to win the Tour de France.
Eddie's boss liked to motivate his staff...using the carrot and stick approachNow Isabel had turned 21 it was amazing how cool and sophisticated she felt... especially after 10 large vodkas!
Unfortunately, Peter's momentary lapse of concentration cost them the game...Shaz could actually not remember anything after the 16th rum and coke
Ivor had spoken his first word, but his Dad had denied teaching him it.Work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt and dance like nobody's watching
Work is the curse of the drinking classesJohn another year gone to pot
No Jemima you little git... ...I'm not made of bloody chocolate now sod off!Despite years of personal development, Emily still turned into her mother
Next Monday was looking tight in their diaries, and only one Conference Pear appeared to have a window...Sir, I hear you're spoken for?  Yes I'm married and I can't get a bloody word in!
The two balls were in such an awkward position, that Steve couldn't see to cue up properly as his eyes were watering so much!It wasn't the most romantic chat up line in the world but Sharon did actually quite fancy a shag
John, if you have one child, you're a parent.  If you have two, then you're a referee.Ruby thought that 10 pints and a curry seemed like a good idea at the time
John another birthday... and still looking goodBeing too old and slow to catch birds... Tiddles resorted to being rude to them!
Choosing the shades had been easy for Daniel ... staying upright needed a bit more concentration.Nothing annoyed Mr Couch Potato more than his wife talking during the football...
There are ladies who lunch and those who just get pissedEngland celebrates another victory! It looked like it was going to be heads yet at the last second... tails it was.
The lads went to IKEA to pick up something nice and Swedish to lie down onThe expression on Andrew's face showed he'd found something far more interesting to play with than lousy alphabet blocks!
My wife always gives me sound advice 99% sound 1% adviceJohn happy birthday you old fart
Do you know I've got worms? Tempting but I'm still not shagging you!At last Lucinda and Tess had found a sport where they didn't have to worry about thier thighs.
Everyone was agog when the Asparagus sisters got their tips out for the lads...Don't worry DAD... I've organised someone to help blow out all those candles on your birthday cake!
Knowing how upset and humiliated the Germans felt at losing 5-1 at home, the England Players thought it best not to gloatDivorce proceedings had failed and Gerald was getting desperation
Although he wasn't born in a stable, every time anyone looked at Justin, they shouted 'JESUS CHRIST'!Rugby: a game played by men with odd shaped balls... and an obsession for cuddling Happy Birthday Tristan
After falling into the spin dryer...   ...Harvey was experiencing a 'bad fur' dayStephen had finally persuaded Anthony to reveal the secret of lovely hands.
After a brief struggle the Couch Potatoes' widescreen TV was re-possessed by the bayleaf...My ideal man is handsome romantic and caring. Whats yours?  A 90 year old with a heart condition
With the scores level after extra time, the referee decided to abandon the grossly unfair 'penalty shoot-out' scenario, in favour of a deciding game of scissors, paper, stone!After several glasses of wine, Lily and Joy did their best not to look too tarty
Although he wasn't born in a stable, every time anyone looked at Justin, they shouted 'JESUS CHRIST'!But darling you already have two wardrobes jam-packed full of nothing to wear
He'd stood on his head, hopped on one leg, turned somersaults and waggled his flippers..."That reminds me .. how is Richard?"
Suzi tried to re-kindle her modelling career but sadly, in the intervening years, everything had gone a bit pear-shaped...Carol had read so much about the dangers of casual sex and binge drinking so she was giving up reading.
Not so hard mate, that's my goal scoring hand!Three days, no sign of home and John still wouldn't admit her was lost.
Playing Mummies & Daddies with Barney had a strange effect on little Danny.  While listening to her talk about her day he felt an irresistible urge to go down the pub!"Nice Bookmark!" said Giles.
Eddie went to the dentist and unfortunately had to have three fillingsYes that was very loud Mrs Peabody, but I said I wanted to hear your heart!
Horses are red horses are blue horses that lose are turned into gluePHIL BY DAY, SMART, SENSIBLE OFFICE CLERK, WITH SUIT.  PHIL BY NIGHT, CRAZY COSMIC LURVE GOD WITH ATTITUDE!
Ellie had spoken his first word, but his Dad had denied teaching him it.Julian loved to hear the crack of leather on willow, but that would have to wait until the match was over.
This was not what Ben had in mind when he'd been invited to join a foursome... and he was about to get seriously teed offAnnabella's maid was loyal enough to rinse her down after she had embarrassingly followed through while farting in the bath.
Botham's plan was going well. Ten more years of this cricket shite and the Shredded Wheat deal would be his.She had been stood up but it wasn't long before she fell over again
Lisa and Sven had been looking forward to Justin's first word, but having stubbed his toe on the high chair, it wasn't what they'd expected.It was quite obvious to everyone at the dinner that... Miss Peachy had just blown a very big raspberry
Of course I love you, I've got this thing about bald ugly men with bad breath and loads of money.Sod the red cards, COME ON! Who else thinks I'm a baldheaded git?!
There was no looking back now that Carl had discovered accessorisingI don't know how successful you'll be with the ladies Thomas, let's just say I hope you have a big personality!
The Greens really weren't living up to their name when they bought another 4x4I hear you've been telling your mates i'm an arsehole!
During the euphoria of winning a 5th gold medal. Steve suddenly remembers he's forgotten to tape CorrieEton's answer to So Solid Crew
Nothing annoyed Mr Couch Potato more than his wife talking during the cricket...Dad limbers up, ready to let rip in the Macclesfield heat of "Dads come farting"
Johnny pushed Rupert in the face breaking his nose, while recieving a punch in the goolies and studs down his shins. But that's what pre-season 'friendlies' were all about!It was time for her to give up drinking... the last thing she could remember was popping out for a pint of milk
The human resources manager was not good at thinking outside the boxI hope you've got a good reason for coming home at 7am!  Of course, to have breakfast!
Ron had always wondered why it was called the FA Cup.  Until he looked inside and realised there was FA in it!MARY COULD ONLY WATCH AS MIGUEL'S PUBES FORCED THEIR WAY OUT OF HIS TRUNKS AND WENT FOR HIS THROAT
Tom swam for his life... but the currants were too strong for himSally, the goldern rule is, if it's got tyres or bollocks you're going to have trouble with it.
Alex didn't realise he's signed a Latino porn star, he'd just heard about his great tackle and ability to shoot in the boxShe took road rage to a new level
It really was taking longer than expected to decide which pen to have for the conference...As she listened to her best mate telling her about her great new job and fantastic new boyfriend, Jackie acted like she gave a shit!
'Smile and you all get laid!' shouted the photographerThe carrots had a pea up against the wall...
Yes Mr. Collins is in... or you could talk to me and get the job done properly"HOW EMBARRASSING" THOUGHT JEFF, "YOU TURN UP TO A PARTY DRESSED AS A WANKER AND EVERYBODY ELSE DOES TOO"
The new IT directoe had a massive chip on her shoulder...Frank didn't mind going to work it wa the staying there that pissed him off
She wasn't too good at masking her intentions after a couple of vodkasWhen Arthur Cucumber played football with his brother, it was a game of two halves
Remember a dog is for life not just for Friday nights after a few beersLife is always fun when you're off your tits
Only when Barry got it home did he realise he'd bought a real lemonJune's idea of fun was to tie up her husband and incorrectly fold a road map right in front of him.
Heidi was from Surrey, she had zero tolerance for beggarsThe HR director reassured the meeting that any job losses would be as a result of natural wastage...
She thought her son must have had a really bad cold to get through so many handkerchiefs in one nightSusan decided it was probably a good time to ask her boyfriend for a Gucci handbag
The Quince and his date were hounded relentlessly by the pepperazzi...Ray was writing the first romantic novel for men and he was going to call it 'i shagged that slut in the pub'
The first ever birthday card that points out old people and laughs at themEddie went out one night and got really hammered
DIANA REALISED THAT LITTLE GIRLS WEREN'T NECESSARILY MADE FROM SUGAR AND SPICE AND ALL THINGS NICE, AFTER SNIFFING ONE OF HER OWN FARTSHe loved it when they touched his furry bits
The prop forward was somewhat surprised by the Kiwi hooker's tackleFiona was furious when her saddle was stolen, but soon became aware of the benefits...
After 15 hours of jokes, Monty wished he'd left the boring tossers to freeze in the snowThe vegetarian could never understand why, no matter how much he chewed, the sweetcorn always came out whole.
"I wish I could stop my husband leaving skidmarks in his pants..."     "Just tell him it takes ages to scrub them out with his toothbrush...."On seeing the group of gorgeous guys, the girls decided to act natural.
The plumber was called in when they found a really bad leek in the bathroom.Hilary was thrilled with her new dishwasher... her old one was usually down the pub and too pissed to do the washing up.
NOT WHAT MIKE HAD IN MIND WHEN HE ASKED CAROL TO SHOW HIM HER G-STRING!Jeremy preferred his GM Courgette rater than the Alfalfa GT or the Lettuce Elise...
Another birthday and Dad finally realised he'd never be cool and trendy again!GRAHAM HAD THE BODY OF AN ATHLETE... AND THE HAIRSTYLE OF HIS GRAN!
The CEO's PA finally found a free date in his diary...Within hours of getting his Birthday hammer, Dad had done enough DIY to devalue the house by several thousand pounds!
As a special Birthday treat, the lads clubbed together and bought Dave a horny midget with a large tongue and no teeth.Alarm bells should have rang when William was offered a free outdoor activity day with no strings attached...
He had the nagging suspicion they were going to have an indian takeaway tonight!The Boss walked into the meeting room and reiterated that BUDGETS must be slashed
The Birthday Boy kept his promise that not a drop of alcohol would touch his lips.Eddie's country cousin was a closet cannibal
NO ONE HAD THE HEART TO TELL DAN SOMEONE HAD CHUCKED UP ON HIS SHIRT!There was no doubt about it... they were now looking for a cereal killer...
The Blind Dates waited for hours not realising the other had also turned up early

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