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Over the years, Vera had found how to get the best from her bathroom scales."ITHINK ROVER WANTS TO GO FOR A WALK"
AFTER SEVERAL HOURS OF TRYING TO ORDER ON-LINE, FRED DECIDED TO CLOSE DOWN HIS COMPUTERDot only went to the shops for a bar of chocolate.  But on the way home she saw a dress that would go with it...
My God!! Have we been burgled? ... No...the grandchildren came roundHELEN'S GIN AND TONIC DIET WAS SORT OF GOING WELL...  SHE'D LOST TWO DAYS.
I'm going to have an accident if he doesn't finish polishing that car soonMany years ago, the youth fairy flew into your bedroom, landed on your pillow and, waving her wand, said "This child shall forever be young!".... but you rolled over and squashed her and now look what's happened!
You've been staring at that carton of orange for half an hour.  What's the problem?  Ssssh, it say concentrate.They appreciated the down to earth quality of Australian wines
KATE HAD WHAT IT TOOK TO COPE WITH BEING A YEAR OLDER ... 6 LARGE GINS, 3 PINTS OF CIDER AND A BRANDY CHASER!French Military Manoeuvres
This obsession with eBAY is getting ridiculous.. How can you say that?... I've just got £1500 for your mother!What women think about in the bath
IT'S NO USE WHISTLING GEORGE - I CAN SEE THE BUBBLES COMING OUT OF YOUR BOTTOM.Suzy had 'come to bed' eyes, Jack had a T-shirt.
Sarah. I think the dog wants to go out.'DON'T WORRY' CORRUTHERS CRIED CHEERILY, ' ACCORDING TO MY GPS TRACKING SYSTEM WERE STILL IN KENSINGTON'
Emma found that if she wore something slinky, she could really make an entranceSuddenly Bella's worries about the ozone layer, plight of the blue whale and world peace paled into insignificance
I SAID 'HOLD MY CALLS' 
MRS PEMBERTON!Your wife is on line two, she wants her sign back.
Ever the optimist, Norman handed the barber his Tom Cruise cutting."...It was horrible - I was abducted by aliens and underwent some kind of physical examination. They then drip fed me with copious amouts of alcohol..."
PENELOPE COULDN'T HELP FEELING THAT FRED'S ROAD-RAGE PROBLEM WAS GETTING WORSEGuess who? - I don't care!
WITH FRIENDS ON HER BIRTHDAY, HELEN FELT A GREAT SENSE OF INNER PEACE AND CALM... YEP SHE WAS SHITFACED AGAIN!Its fantastic I can find out the EXACT weather outside this EXACT house at this EXACT moment - all on the internet!
It may not be a pretty picture but you're old enough to face the truth...You're growing older like a fine vintage car...
TAXI!   

PEDESTRIAN!YES, HELEN CERTAINLY WAS ALL WOMAN - STRONG YET STILL SENSITIVE, ASSERTIVE YET STILL CARING, POWERFUL YET STILL FRAGILE ... ... PISSED YET STILL STANDING!
You are my SunshineAs the fake tan developed, Lizzie made the mistake of going to the loo.
YOU STILL HAVE A SIX-PACK MR JONES - ITS JUST IN A QUILTED BAG WITH THE REST OF THE WEEKS SHOPPINGSuzy could have sworn they felt comfy in the shop
Should I tell Marge to trim her bush. Should I tell Ted his dick's in my slipperBella found if administered correctly, evening primrose oil had a remarkably calming effect
Mr Purkiss had found Vera's secret chocolate store, and now he must die.Wendy was ready for her 'coffee morning' with the girls.
WHEN IT CAME TO GREENHOUSE GASSES FRED WAS PART OF THE SOLUTION...AND PART OF THE PROBLEMI was trying to get information on garden sheds...and then I typed 'easy erection'
AS DAVE FINISHED OFF THE LAST SHEET OF TOILET PAPER, THERE SEEMED ONLY ONE ALTERNATIVE...Don't try and deny peeing in the linen basket last night - the lid's up
A little bird told me that John is a year older...  But don't worry he won't tell anyone elseWhere are we? E Bay!
When it comes to chocolate there are no half-measuresShe argued that one glass of wine a day is actually quite good for you
The Dangers of the Internet .... Colin only logged on to check his email.  4 hours later, he had bought a C-reg Vauxhall Astra and married a 17-year-old Texan.FRED DECIDED TO SAVE MONEY BY DOING PENELOPE'S BIRTHDAY STRIP-AGRAM HIMSELF
Nora says I'm supposed to lay this down for a while - But I think I'll drink it... then I'll lay down for a whileNo Ken.  Watching football and drinking beer at the same time is not multi-tasking!
Unfortunately the passer-by he'd asked to take his photo outside Arsenal's stadium, was a Spurs fanFor George, a student life is a good life
Bella was not impressed when the dog logged on to her computerSign-"WORLD'S MOST EMBARASSING DANCER COMPETETION" FRED WAS THRILLED TO BE  WINNER AT SOMETHING
Now, I'm just popping in here to look at some shoes. What are you going to do? ... I might go on holiday for a while. I'll see you back hereThats it - just sit and look blankly at them, it drives them crazy!
"DON'T EAT THE HARD BIT ON ITS BACK,
THEY MAKE YOU FART"Wishing you a Happy Birthday Harold
Derek realised he was shitfaced when he slipped in the pub loo.FRED FINALLY GOT HIS OWN WAY WITH THE BACK GARDEN
Stop showing off Ned... I know its your walking stick.Darling, I'm worried about your carbon footprint. You left the telly on standby.
The Advancing British ArmyBella only drank one unit of alcohol a week
FRED WAS DETERMINED TO BE THE FIRST MAN TO LAND A MOTHER-IN-LAW ON THE MOONHis philosophy was 'what's the point of having an expensive car if nobody knows who's driving it'
Welcome to your new home JoshuaIt was while trying to get undressed that Derek realised he was rat arsed.
WHEN IT CAME TO A ROMANTIC MEAL, FRED BELIEVED IT WAS ALL IN THE PRESENTATIONIt's our lucky day. Some doctor is paying us £50 just to paint the inside of this old police box
Barry, in the concrete jungle of life... may you find the perfect balconyDerek's laptop gave new meaning to the term logging on
WHILST FRED AND PENELOPE WERE CAT PEOPLE, THEIR NEW NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOURS WERE MOST DEFINITELY DOG-PEOPLEShall we let it breath Martha? No! lets murder it now James.
Off to the MatchThe toughest part of Bella's exercise class was the bit where she had to hold a fart in
FRED'S FEELINGS ABOUT SPEED CAMERAS WERE CLEAR AND UNEQUIVOCALTHEY INSTINCTIVELY KNEW THE SAFEST PLACE WHEN BERNARD WAS ABOUT TO PLAY HIS SHOT
Sorry Susan... a big noodle... a bigger noodleBlah blah Shoes blah blah di blah Lets do lunch Darling, I need a new outfit blah blah di blah blah bla bla blah blah di blah blah               

Working from home helped Bella focus on th
FRED AND PENELOPE LOVED SENDING EACH OTHER ROAMNTIC TEXTSAn administrative error at the British Open paired Colin Montgomerie with 'Tigger'
Bella found glasses did not make her look more intelligentFRED FOUND THAT BY USING AN INFLATABLE REPLICA OF HE COULD POP OUT TO THE PUB WITHOUT PENELOPE NOTICING
Whoops! I forgot to put my light sabre on 'charge'FRED SPENT THE EVENING WORKING OUT HOW MUCH MONEY HE HAS SAVED BY DOING THE PLUMBING HIMSELF
JEFF, I CAN'T AFFORD A NEW ARSENAL KIT EVERY YEAR.   YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO SUPPORT NEWCASTLE LIKE THE REST OF US.FRED AND PENELOPE LOVED TO EXPERIMENT WITH NEW PAINT TECHNIQUES
The Newcastle police suspected the culprits were Sunderland fansWHEN FRED AND PENELOPE SET OUT FOR THEIR MEETING WITH THE LOCAL PLANNING OFFICER IT WAS WITH A SENSE OF FOREBODING
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'IT'S A BIT MUDDY'?"AS PART OF HER NEW FITNESS PROGRAMME PENELOPE WATCHED HER STEP AEROBICS VIDEO EVERY DAY WITHOUT FAIL
WHILE SINGING IN THE HILLS MARIA SUDDENLY REALISED SHE DIDN'T WANT TO BE A NUN AFTER ALLFRED HAD HIGH HOPES FOR ANTHONY
PENELOPE WAS A GREAT BELIEVER IN THE POWER OF PRAYERFRED COULD ALWAYS TELL WHEN PENELOPE HAD A SWEET SHERRY COURSING THROUGH HER VEINS
FRED AND PENELOPE MADE A GREAT TEAMFOR MANY YEARS FRED'S SECRET SUNDAY AFTERNOON NAPS WENT UNDETECTED
FRED HAD NEVER BEEN A GREAT ONE FOR BIRTHDAY CELEBRATIONS

[SIGN: LEAVE PRESENTS HERE AND BUGGER OFF]FRED'S FIRST ATTEMPT AT FILM-MAKING WAS A FLY-ON-THE-WALL DOCUMENTARY
FRED HAD BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO HIS BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR MONTHS"IN A FEW WEEKS YOU'LL LOOK BACK ON ALL THIS AND LAUGH," CHIRPED FRED
FRED FINALLY FINISHED THE GRANNY ANNEXEPENELOPE WAS BECOMING CONCERNED ABOUT FRED'S DRINKING
ANTHONY'S FRIENDS WERE A CLASSY CROWDFRED'S LIFE WAS ALWAYS FULL OF DRAMA
IT WAS SO LONG SINCE FRED HAD SEEN IT THAT PENELOPE VERY KINDLY AGREED TO DESCRIBE IT TO HIMPENELOPE WAS BEGINNING TO WISH SHE HAD NEVER BOUGHT FRED THE CAMCORDER
PENELOPE THOUGH SHE COULD DETECT THE TELL-TALE SIGNS OF A MID0LIFE CRISISAT LAST FRED FOUND THE PERFECT JOB
PENELOPE KNEW EXACTLY WHERE SHE WOULD LIKE FRED TO SHOVE HIS GOLF CLUBS

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