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On your birthday Edward, have a drink or two... or TEN!Mike's new Anti-theft Device
Yes, she certainly was all woman... Strong yet still sensitive, assertive yet still caring, powerful yet still fragile... Pissed yet still standing!Blackmail
Dave wondered if the matching socks were a mistakeTwatt
After four Rum and Cokes Barbara was anybody'sSure, it was noisy. But for £1.98 return Nigel wasn't complaining
The Muppets EverydayNigel was an instant hit with the ladies... due to his impressive lunchbox
The Conference Pears made many fruitless attempts to send and recieve e-mails on their new Blackberries...By the way he's going on you'd think he'd run the bloody race.
Johnny thought it had been worth the wait for the donkey to pee.It was a hard day at the office, the computers went down and Mavis had to learn how to think again.
You?...eat a whole one?...on your birthday?John birthdays are like hot baths... ....too many will give you wrinkles
Tiddles took back his boastful assessment... that walkling around the bath was a piece of p*ss!Judy liked to savour that unmistakably salty tang ....
Godfrey played golf to get in touch with his emotionsTake a deep breath, Charlie You'll need it to blow out all those candles!
What had drawn Fred to Ginger? Her easy charm and wit, or her impressive jugs?Catherine, it's time to celebrate. So let's start the night in style... and end it the way we always do.
"Well it's a par four with a long, undulating fairway and a wicked dogleg to the right, quite a number of bunkers and a fair amount of rough in front of the trees.  There's also a strong breeze blowing from left to right, therefore not much room for error.  Mmm, what do you think Ian?"... "******** welly it"Carefree and confident, Elaine was the perfect illustration of what a go ahead, modern girl could achieve... on two bottles of vodkas
Naughty BoyIt had been a wild night and the girls hadn't quite made it home
Drinkers EndReg was very proud. 78, and still with all his own teeth
Helen had solved "the boss problem" ... now, where to hide the body?The Muppets Everyday
Norman's new wife may have been younger... but she had shocking cellulite and a bitter faceThe Couch-Potatoes setteled down to watch the latest horror DVD from Gordin Ramsay
WHOA!!! Michael... stop with the shaking, that's not the champagne bottleCome potty time, Ian learnt not to eat lego the hard way.
For a moment Brimley were in with a chance, then the game startedHappy Birthday... you handsome stud
whoosh! ... there goes another yearDespite a slight side effect, the vet had cured Horace's wind problem...

...by shoving a cork up his bum!
Geraldine tried hard to imagine living with imperfection ... but she couldn'tIf Adam wasn't tempted by the apple, thought Eve, she could always offer him a nice pear
It's your Birthday Gemma, time for a little Blowout!At the weekend, Fred likes to go for a spin in the rolls
Emily, have a great birthday and always remember... shit happens.Lucy was having real fun because Frank had allowed her to operate the gearstick for the last ten minutes... He was having even more fun, knowing that the car was an automatic!
Kelly had one thing to say to women who said
that size didn’t matter… “Why dig your garden
over with a teaspoon if there’s a spade available!”The Ministry of Silly Walks
After a drunken night out he woke up to discover he wasn't the only gay in the villageClench
'It's amazing' thought Mike.  'How is it I can spend only two mintues in the bathroom and still look this good?'James had finally worked out how to turn the damn thing off.
The Muppets EverydayAt her Birthday party, Victoria laughed so much...that a pea ran down her legs
The aubergine was furious... at being charged for excess cabbageThe lads had put in several pleas to the ref but he simply said they should have gone before the match started!
Sam soon realised life was one long learning curve... today he'd learnt not to fart under the bed covers without planning a way out first.My problem is that I don't just drink to excess... I drink to anything
Remember on your birthday it's important to share everything in life... except chocolate of course!Another year older and still feeling like a 20 year old
It became clear that Dennis wasn't particularly skilled in the arean of medical diagnosis, whe he said...

...'This is the worst case of bad breath I've ever come across'The boys always knew they were in for a treat when Suzy got out her bongos.
Marie-Louise loved the feel of her new jacket, but Fifi felt hers was a bit tight under the arms.Oh no! I can't bear it George... You're younger than me!
Ginger's always keen to try out the latest slimming craze!William, it's your birthday... have a cracking day.
For John the Golfer on his birthday... See? Being in the sand and water isn't always such a bad thing!Sarah would never call the park keeper a "miserable old git" again.
Meaning of LifeHe had to take precautions to stop her going shopping
FryupAfter three days at Glastonbury, even Pete accepted that he was ready for a good wash and shave.
Neil was beginning to wonder if he was taking too much work home. The Muppets Everyday
Victoria's wrinkly friends need never know... about her secret visits to Doctor CollagenEddie misunderstood when his wife said her bush could do with a prune
Great tackle - thanks, but it'll never be as big as yoursSimon was distraught... it was the third time that day that someone had said he looked like his dad!
Middle age its when your age starts to show around happy birthdayJohn to man who likes the odd tipple .... or two.... or three!
To a grumpy old man...

Have a grumpy old birthday Philip!All her friends took HRT ... but Nancy preferred Earl Grey.
Just a few bear essentials on your birthday Jake
Sometimes Ginger gets saucy in bed,
Albert, indulge yourself on your birthday... you can work it off TOMORROW!John, what do you do if a bird craps on your car?
You never listen to me David, you only hear what you want to hear

Sure, I'll have a beerFlying Circus
Happy Birthday Lydia - Old enough to know better... Young enough not to careBooze
Would you believe it...a last minute penalty to United!Joanne felt that working from home had its advantages.
The Muppets EverydayDesperate Scarlet checked the coast was clear... before taking a pea behind the hedge
The constant clacking of Mrs Couch-Potato's knitting needles had driven her husband to distraction...Bloody hell Vinnie, Lineker keeps nicking my crisps and you keep pinching my nuts!
Adam had a lot tantrums.  He was practising to be a man.For a moment St Austin were in with a chance, then the game started
John you're not old! hmm.... Let me try that again and see if I can keep a straight face.....Alcohol...

...it makes the whole world Charlie's bed!
Frank and Alan had the peculiar charm of two men travelling together...Ha ha ha, now you're even older! Happy Birthday to you Jake
Fred isn't a very convincing liar... 
'No, I haven't been to the pub'
...Ginger can see right through himHappy Birthday Sarah, all kittens are cute, cuddly and... come with claws!
Where were you last night Jenny?

There was a huge cock-up and it seemed a shame to waste it!Happy Birthday From the Pythons
After several glasses of wine, Lily and Joy did their best not to look too tartyCrackpot
Tim wondered if he'd had too many espressos!For the team building exercise Steve listed everything he liked about his job and his colleagues
The Muppets EverydaySadly in the heat of passion.... it wasn't just his heart that had melted
Jack was rather taken aback by the sudden onset of male pattern baldness...Take that you convicts!!!
Playing Mummies & Daddies with Barney had a strange effect on little Danny.  While listening to her talk about her day he felt an irresistible urge to go down the pub!Timmy, you are only young once... but you can stay immature indefinitely
John congratulations you have gone from being a reckless youth.... to a youthless wreck!Tommy had a feeling... that his brother should cut down on the Frosties!
Adam's (unfulfilled) ambition was to win the Tour de France.Sandra, another year flies by but you're still... Full of bounce!
Fred likes to let the girls check out his meat and two veg.Have a very Happy Birthday Jess, go on treat yourself... a moment on the lips a life time on the hips!
After the police sent him a photo of his car speeding, Ron sent them a photo of a cheque.Lumberjack
'Trust me, it cost a fraction of the price and it's just as cool as one of those iPOD thingsOld. Please Drive Slowly
George listened intently to his wife's every word.Deep down George knew the meeting could have gone better.
The Muppets EverydayAfter a couple of swift halves, Arthur  Cucumber and his other half were half-cut...
Unfortunately, Peter's momentary lapse of concentration cost them the game...Work is the curse of the drinking classes
John another year gone to potTom was well pleased with himself... getting his towel on the chair before that sodding German cat!
Despite years of personal development, Emily still turned into her motherYour wife called Peter, she wants her sign back!
Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries - I fart in your general direction! It was the perfect bar; not only did it get her drunk but it lifted her off the floor and drove her home
GingeAfter some quiet contemplation, Harry decided that the best thing to do...

...was absoloutely nothing!
John knew if surgery didn't work out, he could always get a job in customs.The Muppets Everyday
The lettuce was shocked to find his girlfriend... posing undressed for a colanderThe two balls were in such an awkward position, that Steve couldn't see to cue up properly as his eyes were watering so much!
Ruby thought that 10 pints and a curry seemed like a good idea at the timeJohn another birthday... and still looking good
Mary had a little lamb, she tied it to a pylon... 10,000 volts shot up it's bum and turned its wool to nylon!Choosing the shades had been easy for Daniel ... staying upright needed a bit more concentration.
Tarquin had the choice of Eton or Harrow but whichever one he decided on he was buggered!Monty Python Birthday Photo Upload Card
They knew exactly what to wear to keep the blokes away on a girl's night out.Slack Bottom
Everyone listened sympathetically to Linda's hair salon horror stroy.Dave was a little peckish... but deadlines are deadlines.
The Muppets EverydayEddie called his stockbroker to tell him he'd just bought a huge steak in Sainsbury's
England celebrates another victory! It looked like it was going to be heads yet at the last second... tails it was.My wife always gives me sound advice 99% sound 1% advice
John happy birthday you old fartBirthdays Churchill likes... it's the morning after he hates!
At last Lucinda and Tess had found a sport where they didn't have to worry about thier thighs.Your computer has gone down on you Philip... is this a complaint I can handle, or do you wish to brag to another bloke?
Bright side of Life - Birthday'Brandy make me randy' said Mandy, 'Whisky makes me frisky' said Julie, 'Vodka makes me throw up and go home with an ugly bloke' laughed Lucy.
DullAnother year older, and the only thin Lucy worried about was...

...the slight increase in unwanted facial hair.
Kevin had finally conquered his fear of presentations.When sea-fishing, Rod liked to use a sprout to catch mackerel...
Knowing how upset and humiliated the Germans felt at losing 5-1 at home, the England Players thought it best not to gloatRugby: a game played by men with odd shaped balls... and an obsession for cuddling Happy Birthday Tristan
For a DOG Lover! Sure I took on board my owner's comments about not sitting on the couch, but then I thought hey, what's a few skid-marks amonst friends?
Stephen had finally persuaded Anthony to reveal the secret of lovely hands.
The good news is Julie, you don't have PMS - the bad news is you're a bitch!After a weekend of team building, the accounts department had bonded
Hilary was beginning to regret her decision to go for second helpings of the triple chocolate fudge cake sundaeJenny's appraisal had been going really well. Then she asked for a pay rise.
She may have been a wrinkled old prune... but at least she still had all her marbles With the scores level after extra time, the referee decided to abandon the grossly unfair 'penalty shoot-out' scenario, in favour of a deciding game of scissors, paper, stone!
But darling you already have two wardrobes jam-packed full of nothing to wearThe years have been kind to you... it's the weekends that have done the damage, Shane!
"That reminds me .. how is Richard?"Felicity would spend whole mornings fiddling with her Clematis and toying with her Lobelia...and in the afternoon, she'd do a spot of flower arranging!
Shaz could actually not remember anything after the 16th rum and cokeSheila wondered if she had overdone the collagen injections.
Andrew couldn't wait for his email account to start working again. The Haricots-Verts were left stranded... when their Citron ran out of juice
Not so hard mate, that's my goal scoring hand!Dave, I heard you thumped Jonathan Ross yesterday.  Yes, the git called me a wino!
"Nice Bookmark!" said Giles.Ray completely dispelled the myth that men were incapable of multi-tasking...he had no problwm drinking beer and scratching his arse at the same time!
It wasn't the most romantic chat up line in the world but Sharon did actually quite fancy a shagSharon and Tracey had overdone the eyeshadow again
Tina had carefully selected 'dress down Friday' to ask for a pay rise.The Quince and his date were hounded relentlessly by the pepperazzi...
Horses are red horses are blue horses that lose are turned into glueJules, where does virgin wool come from?... ugly sheep!
Julian loved to hear the crack of leather on willow, but that would have to wait until the match was over.Kevin learned the hard way.  If a hole was big enough to see through, then it was big enough for someone to wee through.
The lads went to IKEA to pick up something nice and Swedish to lie down onWhich ever way he looked at it, Phil had it tough.

He was ginger, AND going bald.
Paula was admired for her tact and diplomacy.Mary didn't scrub up too bad for an old potato
Botham's plan was going well. Ten more years of this cricket shite and the Shredded Wheat deal would be his.Blinky knew the litter tray would break his fall... it's knowing what he'd left there earlier that was worrying him!
I never smoked cannabis.  Me neither.  I had a cake once but I didn't inhale it.  Oh dear...When he thought he could see light at the end of the tunnel, it turned out to be some bastard with a torch bringing him more work.
Divorce proceedings had failed and Gerald was getting desperationRichard was a little over-protective about his stapler.
The apple was really cool with his new pPodSod the red cards, COME ON! Who else thinks I'm a baldheaded git?!
Hamish got a few sporadic laughs when he popped his head out of the teapot... but really brought the house down when he stuck his willy out of the spout!Andy hoped this wasn't the nearest they'd ever get to oral sex.
My dear, diamonds are a girl's best friend and dogs are a man's.  From that, I think we can gather which of the sexes is more intelligent.Three days, no sign of home and John still wouldn't admit her was lost.
Peter was working hard to try and get this monkey off his back.Everyone was agog when the Asparagus sisters got their tips out for the lads...
During the euphoria of winning a 5th gold medal. Steve suddenly remembers he's forgotten to tape CorrieNow all he had to do... was make a noise like a peanut!
Despite years of personal development, George still turned into his father.Once upon a time, a man asked a girl to marry him, the girl said "no!" And she lived happily ever after, and went shopping, dancing and drinking.  She always had a clean house, never cooked and looked fabulous all the time.  The end.
PHIL BY DAY, SMART, SENSIBLE OFFICE CLERK, WITH SUIT.  PHIL BY NIGHT, CRAZY COSMIC LURVE GOD WITH ATTITUDE!Smoking areas at Simon's offices had been dramatically reduced
Nothing annoyed Mr Couch Potato more than his wife talking during the cricket...Johnny pushed Rupert in the face breaking his nose, while recieving a punch in the goolies and studs down his shins. But that's what pre-season 'friendlies' were all about!
After swallowing a tennis ball... Harry was dreading going for a pooh!Dorothy put an ad in her local newspaper
which read “Husband wanted” The next day
she received 500 letters saying,
“you can have mine”
She had been stood up but it wasn't long before she fell over again'well' thought Debbie, 'it has been half an hour since breakfast.'
After a brief struggle the Couch Potatoes' widescreen TV was re-possessed by the bayleaf...Ron had always wondered why it was called the FA Cup.  Until he looked inside and realised there was FA in it!
Try putting me out tonight... if you think you're hard enough, Eddie!Danny learnt that girls can multi-task.
They CAN nag, moan, whine, groan and
cry at the same time.
There was no looking back now that Carl had discovered accessorisingWho needs men?!
Nothing annoyed Mr Couch Potato more than his wife talking during the football...Alex didn't realise he's signed a Latino porn star, he'd just heard about his great tackle and ability to shoot in the box
News that next-door's Dobernan had caught his todger in the lawn mower blade... prompted a concerned and sympathetic reaction from Marmalade!Is your husband easy to please?

I don't know, I've never tried!
Eton's answer to So Solid CrewClaire had gone a little over the top in her attempt to look busy.
The onion got so drunk that he chucked up his ring...Older and wiser or younger and foolish?... if only there were a choice, Jonathan!
Pounding headache, eyes like p*ssholes in
the snow, sick as a dog with a mouth like the
bottom of a birdcage… she'd had an absolutely
BRILLIANT night!It was time for her to give up drinking... the last thing she could remember was popping out for a pint of milk
Happy Birthday Dad! Take it easy today, I'll sort out the paper work.Kevin had spent the entire day downloading corn on the internet
Dylan had swallowed the remote control and everytime he farted the TV changed channelIvy's bread making skills were highly
thought of and what’s more, her crusty
bloomers were the talk of the village!
MARY COULD ONLY WATCH AS MIGUEL'S PUBES FORCED THEIR WAY OUT OF HIS TRUNKS AND WENT FOR HIS THROATThe Pretentious Pois were not surprised when the pineaplle slice suspended in formaldehyde won the coveted Turnip Prize
Oh youu like it there don't you... you dirty little scrubber, Mick!After a month of jogging ten miles a day, Phil was feeling terrific. The only problem was he was 300 miles from home.
She took road rage to a new levelNext Monday was looking tight in their diaries, and only one Conference Pear appeared to have a window...
Daniel, there's still plenty of life left in the old dog... it just has to be used sparingly!Once Maureen discovered the vibrate feature on her mobile phone, she started to text herself a hundred times a day!
'Smile and you all get laid!' shouted the photographerEddie's boss liked to motivate his staff...using the carrot and stick approach
With piles,wrinkles and stiff joints to look forward to... ...Clive was just happy he’d kept his sense of humour and dashing good looks intact!Jane was livid when her husband rolled in drunka t 4 in the morning, she was hoping he'd left her for good!
"HOW EMBARRASSING" THOUGHT JEFF, "YOU TURN UP TO A PARTY DRESSED AS A WANKER AND EVERYBODY ELSE DOES TOO"Suzi tried to re-kindle her modelling career but sadly, in the intervening years, everything had gone a bit pear-shaped...
Charlie was doing well in the skateboarding championship... and he would have won if he hadn't shoved a banana up his arse and thrown shit at the judges!All Gladys wanted to hear was Jim say "I love you". All Jim wanted to hear was his balls slapping against her arse.
She wasn't too good at masking her intentions after a couple of vodkasEddie went to the dentist and unfortunately had to have three fillings
Being too old and slow to catch birds... Tiddles resorted to being rude to them!Now Isabel had turned 21 it was amazing how cool and sophisticated she felt... especially after 10 large vodkas!
Life is always fun when you're off your titsThis was not what Ben had in mind when he'd been invited to join a foursome... and he was about to get seriously teed off
jennifer, sometimes and especially on birthdays, you just have to tell yourself... ’sod the tea bags!’Don't worry DAD... I've organised someone to help blow out all those candles on your birthday cake!
Heidi was from Surrey, she had zero tolerance for beggarsIt was quite obvious to everyone at the dinner that... Miss Peachy had just blown a very big raspberry
It’s your BIRTHDAY Shane They tried their best not to look surprised but then they heard how old you are!!My ideal man is handsome romantic and caring. Whats yours?  A 90 year old with a heart condition
Susan decided it was probably a good time to ask her boyfriend for a Gucci handbagThe Greens really weren't living up to their name when they bought another 4x4
Carol had read so much about the dangers of casual sex and binge drinking so she was giving up reading.The first ever birthday card that points out old people and laughs at them
The human resources manager was not good at thinking outside the boxYes that was very loud Mrs Peabody, but I said I wanted to hear your heart!
He loved it when they touched his furry bitsTom swam for his life... but the currants were too strong for him
Annabella's maid was loyal enough to rinse her down after she had embarrassingly followed through while farting in the bath.After 15 hours of jokes, Monty wished he'd left the boring tossers to freeze in the snow
It really was taking longer than expected to decide which pen to have for the conference...Dad limbers up, ready to let rip in the Macclesfield heat of "Dads come farting"
On seeing the group of gorgeous guys, the girls decided to act natural.The carrots had a pea up against the wall...
Sally, the goldern rule is, if it's got tyres or bollocks you're going to have trouble with it.NOT WHAT MIKE HAD IN MIND WHEN HE ASKED CAROL TO SHOW HIM HER G-STRING!
The new IT directoe had a massive chip on her shoulder...TAKE IT FROM ME - TOMMY JENKINS IS
HUNG LIKE A HORSE!
GRAHAM HAD THE BODY OF AN ATHLETE... AND THE HAIRSTYLE OF HIS GRAN!When Arthur Cucumber played football with his brother, it was a game of two halves
Happy Birthday Dad!  The fathers soon discovered there wasn't a drink strong enough to make you forget you had kids.As a special Birthday treat, the lads clubbed together and bought Dave a horny midget with a large tongue and no teeth.
Only when Barry got it home did he realise he'd bought a real lemonHe had the nagging suspicion they were going to have an indian takeaway tonight!
The HR director reassured the meeting that any job losses would be as a result of natural wastage...The Birthday Boy kept his promise that not a drop of alcohol would touch his lips.
Eddie went out one night and got really hammeredNO ONE HAD THE HEART TO TELL DAN SOMEONE HAD CHUCKED UP ON HIS SHIRT!
The prop forward was somewhat surprised by the Kiwi hooker's tackleThe vegetarian could never understand why, no matter how much he chewed, the sweetcorn always came out whole.
The plumber was called in when they found a really bad leek in the bathroom.Jeremy preferred his GM Courgette rater than the Alfalfa GT or the Lettuce Elise...
The CEO's PA finally found a free date in his diary...Alarm bells should have rang when William was offered a free outdoor activity day with no strings attached...
The Boss walked into the meeting room and reiterated that BUDGETS must be slashedEddie's country cousin was a closet cannibal
There was no doubt about it... they were now looking for a cereal killer...The Blind Dates waited for hours not realising the other had also turned up early

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